January 10 is “Peculiar People Day”, a day dedicated to celebrating non-conformity. But being called “peculiar”, or somehow different than the norm, implies that there is some kind of standard for normalness.
It’s taken me a while to learn that there isn’t. At all.
Everyone is different
I’ve been called “different” my whole life for all kinds of things that apparently made me stick out. I was bigger than the other girls in ballet class. I went to a private school while most of my friends attended public school. I daydreamed a lot. I wrote plays and drew horses everywhere. I climbed trees in skirts. I had glasses and braces and even wore a jaw expander, which kept me from pronouncing S’s properly for a whole year (there was literally no way for me to be cool in 6th grade).
As I got older, comments became more personal.
- “I need you to focus like the rest of the class.”
- “Maybe don’t be that loud next time.”
- “Don’t mention your Master’s degree, it may make people feel uncomfortable.”
- “Don’t you have a nicer outfit than that?”
- “It’s selfish not to have children, you’ll regret it one day.”
This unsolicited advice on ways to be “normal” did nothing but feed the perfectionist tendencies that I honed over years of masking my ADHD in order to feel accepted. That perfectionism not only gave me an eating disorder, it also gave me extreme social anxiety. I would appear calm on the outside, but my insides would be screaming at me: Are people looking at my arms? Are my clothes professional/feminine/nice enough? Did I just say something stupid?
This anxiety grew and festered until I started therapy last year, got formally diagnosed with ADHD, and began to learn more about my fear of rejection (which is at the root of a lot of our fears around not being “normal”).
And then in therapy, I learned about the Spotlight Effect.
The Spotlight Effect
The Spotlight Effect means we overestimate how much other people actually notice us. For example, I say something about basketball in a conversation about football (true story) and then I spend the rest of the evening obsessing about how everyone heard what I said and now totally knows I have ADHD and thinks I’m a weirdo and will never talk to me again.
In reality, no one said anything. Maybe someone did think my comment was random, but how would I know that? And more importantly, so what?
The truth that people notice us a lot less frequently than we think they do was an “aha!” moment for me, but was also hard to grasp after a lifetime of trying to present as perfect and normal.
However, recalling the Spotlight Effect is started to help me interrupt negative thoughts. I have to ask myself: Is anyone actually judging me right now? If they are, what is the worst thing that can happen? They aren’t the only person in my life who cares about me and supports me, so if they reject me, so what?
Facing a fear of rejection is scary, vulnerable, and uncomfortable. But reminding ourselves of things that are true – like the Spotlight Effect – can start to help free us from the debilitating feeling that we somehow aren’t normal and that people are judging us for it.
A new normal?
The phrase “new normal” is actually very telling. When enough people do something that is labelled “different”, it gradually becomes normalized. In other words, a new normal is born.
So if it’s true that what is considered normal can constantly shift, then it’s impossible to know when you’ve achieved it. Which means you end up chasing an imaginary standard. And I can tell you from experience that that is an exhausting way to live.
I hope what you take away from this post is that wherever you are in your journey, you are just fine. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re somehow not normal, because there is literally no such thing.
